Getting in the Spirit ...

Christmas has been one of those 'maybe I'll catch it soon' kind of things this year ... as I try against all resistance to find the spirit and stick with it, let it heal and tame me, seduce me into the season of celebration and sentiment, songs and canons, magic spells and Santa dreams .... all those things that force us into submission.

It is hard to think about Christmas when you are broke, beaten down, whipped to the core of every breath you eke out.  Well, ok, it's not quite that bad, and I feel really guilty when I think about the state of my life compared to those who don't have one eighth of what I have to rely on to sustain me.  So, I ask God yet one more time for forgiveness because I am human and can't help being human.   I worry, feel guilty, get exhausted, cuss, scream at commuters who cut in front of me.  In short, I am far from sainthood on this path.  And I make a lot of mistakes trying to get things right in this gig ... I even have a friend who can't stand it that I use so many dots in my sentences (ellipses to those literary souls out there) .... but still, I try to move forward in faith, get the part that counts, right:  i.e., making my heart available to the world.

I like to think that part I've figured out and handle well.   But, you wouldn't know that by the kind of guilt I inhale every day.   So far down the path I have come in faith, and yet believe I have only traveled a few steps.   Yet, in truth, I have worked really hard to be here so I can say to you tonight, you can't give up, and have to believe what you feel in your heart, because no matter how bad it gets, how exhausted you are, how worthless you may believe your contributions, God has got your back ....

That's the message today.  God has got your back.  Proof-positive:  when I was brushing my teeth this morning, I prayed, weary to the bone, Lord, man, you've got to make the way because I can't figure it out on my own.  I am too tired, exhausted from the battle.   I know you want me to move forward, yet all I see are the obstacles, so I give it to you, Lord, this pain.  I give it to you, Lord, this crisis.  I give it to you Lord, to make the way.

And the thing is, He did exactly that.  I know I have to keep the music alive so I can keep the dream alive so I can keep the faith gig going.  Yet, with all the bills owing at the moment, I didn't have a clue how I could pay for my songwriting retreat in CA, let alone Christmas for my young nephew.   Make the way, Lord, I prayed, if it is your will.  Make the way.

And He did just that.   I was convinced I had nothing left to give, no credit left, money anywhere to be found, and I went to pay one of my credit cards and discovered a credit increase I didn't know I had.  Not a whole lot mind you, but excactly what I needed to take care of the airfare to CA and have a little left to take care of my nephew for Christmas.

 He still believes in Santa.  So do I.