In & Out ... Sticky Stuff in the Cosmic Closet

Ok, this is how bad my day was yesterday.  I didn't even 'get it' that I was metaphorically leaping backwards into closets I've spent my life trying to get out of.   It seems this spiritual "outing" into public domains has triggered some residual feelings of being 'ousted' spiritually (check out the Dream Show Podcast, Episode 36 for a bit of the history) and bounced me right back into that dark, cool, anything-but-connected space when conflicts got the best of my resolve.

A friend, JT, (of the non-ellipses) who knows this journey in and out, sent me a quizzical little email last night:  SOOOOO .... (Ok, she didn't add that part, but you could literally hear it in the question), "You got back into the closet???!!!!!" She asked, taunted, quipped mercilessly ....

Uhhmmmm, not the last time I checked I thought to myself, wondering where she was coming from.   Of course, I couldn't leave it alone.  Bugged me while I brushed my teeth, folded the clothes, packed my briefcase, cleaned the dishes, and everything else I could think of as a distraction to push that tiny little seed out of consciousness.   She DID however, leave me a tiny little clue.  

"Read about your Podcast Predicament" her email opened.    SOOOOO .... I had to go back re-read my podcast entry and laughed out loud, not realizing how literally and cosmically correct she was.  At the time, I was only thinking of course, about finding quiet space to use as a recording chamber because my recording gear picks up every tiny little sound in a 3000 mile radius it seems.  I was tired of talking over clacking shoes up steps, airplanes droning overhead, kids screaming across the way at the park, garbage trucks and squealing tires:  all that living 'stuff' that goes on in a breathing, pulsing, plugged in community ...

I wasn't conscious of the Cosmic Dots I was connecting in that process, the Freudian dynamic I was either inviting or getting entangled in, or focused on any relevance other than the need to get out of the conflict zone.   Out of the noise.   Read: SAFE. 

Well, and this is how it works.  Exactly how the journey works.  You get stuck and wrestle around with fear for the longest time, and pray for a release, because you can't find the answer and don't know the reason, and then the answer filters in from the most unlikely messenger, and you 'get it' with astounding clarity that you are not alone, and have some heavy hitters in your corner!  Even the tiniest conflict gets on God's radar in this faith gig. 

Amazing Stuff, really, because some times,  the Question in and of itself, provides the answer :) 

It's All About Trust ... The Podcast Predicament

This has been the most exasperating day.  Honestly.  I set aside all of this time to get my first Faith podcast done this weekend, and I have nothing to show for it.  Every step of the way yesterday and today, incredible obstacles.   Even this blog post.   I finished the first one, got to the spell check then the computer locked up and I lost everything in the reboot.  I tell you, it makes you wonder what you are doing when you can't get a single thing you set out to do in an entire weekend accomplished!

Oh, not that I haven't tried.  Quite the contrary.   I've probably got 10 hours worth of material on my digital recorder by now, but nothing that even closely resembles a podcast.   Thinking maybe it was all cosmic overload or interference, I even hid out in my walk-in closet today, sat on the floor and tried to record that way, but still, the obstacle, that huge point in the middle where I just get STUCK.

So, the podcast isn't going to happen this weekend as planned, and I will have to regroup and tackle it all again on another day when all of the planets aren't apparently lined up to interfere with my fine tune broadcast abilities!

Meanwhile, I will ponder the predicament of the first podcast, and try and figure out why it is that I keep getting stuck, have faced such intense opposition to this new year's resolve to forge ahead in faith no matter how steep the learning curve!   I suspect it's one part nerves, one part not knowing really, what it is I am to create in this space ...  

Well, this much I do know ... Faith is about Trust.    24/7.   Even when you are exasperated and feeling a total disconnect, it is always about Trust in Love to carry you soul and spirit, forward in light, even in the darkness.  

A new Decade Dawns, Enter in 2010 ...

Fireworks are lighting up the sky outside, and every once in a while a rocket whizzes by the window, as I scramble to get these words recorded before the new year dawns.   It has not been easy getting here, in this creative space where the writing flows with my soul, not against it in some resistant fugue.  I've had a lot of those lately, trying to push back time until I am ready for the new year to begin.

I wonder where I was this time last year, I thought earlier, struggling to try and put it all in perspective.   On one hand, I was thoroughly convinced two hours ago that I had not accomplished a single thing I set out to do in 2009, but couldn't remember those resolutions, so poured through my year end 2009 journals to see where I was, and have to tell you, I'm amazed.

This time last year, as one year wrapped and another began, I struggled to clib out of the dark hole I was in.  Post-Christmas blues swept over me in waves and hues of regret and loss, too powerful to recall here, but still, I wrote of the journey, re-committed soul and life to the dream.   Tonight, in less than an hour, a new year will ring in, signaling the beginning of a new decade in 2010.  And again, I sit in candlelight, scribbling resolutions in the dark.

Last year, this is what I resolved for 2009:  

My New Year’s vow is to be done with all of this anger and angst, and put it behind me in safe and responsible containers this time, knowing what is there, of course, but too, what I can handle and what I can’t, so I don’t feel as if I must always be responsible for someone else’s happiness before I can declare my own.  That is my New Year’s resolution.  I will launch ME into the universe this year, and leave it to God to tend to others, since He is much better suited for that task anyway.  I’ve got my own domains to build and tend, plant seeds in fertile ground and grow ...

In the Wings, a TorchSong Springs ...

I really struggle with depression this time of year.  There, I said it.   Depression.  The kind that you wrestle with in the morning, every second in between, and especially at night when you are all alone, hugging your own pillow.   It comes in waves and tsunami rushes at times, forcing me to feel emotions I swear I worked the first half of my life to cover up, bury.   I enjoyed being distant, remote.  A lot safer that way.  But then, I needed to be loved and love more, and in and of itself, that was enough to keep me going, knowing that.   That I needed Love more than I needed the pain.   Wanted Love more than I wanted to be isolated.   Cherished being a part of this world, of other hearts more than the desire to bury myself alive with my memories of loss.

 

Surprised that I live in these places?   I am not the only one I know.   So, I dedicate this blog to all of you out there during this holiday season who believe there is no hope because that is what you feel most of the time.  But, if you are reading this, then you know how deeply I am connected to love and Faith and a song of Hope that lives and thrives in every breath of me .... daring to live exclusively outside of fear .... so I can bring light to these places where chaos dwells.

 

Music is the song and dream, the torch of Faith .... may we know it in the deepest reservoir this year, this Love.    Amen.

Yuletide Thoughts ... On the Eve of Christmas

It's been a whirlwind day.   Last minute shopping, coaxing myself 'into the spirit', preparing for guests tonight, which meant scrambling like crazy in the middle of the night LAST night to get the grocery shopping done, all the Christmas shopping finished, so I could enjoy cooking today and hang out, decorate, not get stressed.

I found a little Charlie-Brown Christmas tree - well, OK, it's really a norfolk pine that thinks it's a Christmas tree, but that's a whole 'nother blog entry, so the story will have to wait.  How I tried to negotiate with the Christmas tree guy who wouldn't have it and tried to convince me he'd be able to sell all of those 2 foot trees for the same price he sold the 8 foot trees.  He wasn't interested in the fact he could probably clean out the lot if he'd lower the price and concentrate on the bulk sale.  No, no, he was holding out til the last minute, and so, all of those trees were still on his lot today.  Unsold.   Meanwhile, I came home with a $9.99 Norfolk pine that will live all year long.  Not just for tonight as my make-shift Christmas tree.

And so my brother came over and we put a few little lights and ornaments and some tinsel and lo and behold, it is the brightest little Christmas tree blinking its love right into my heart tonight to remind me of the season, and the 'spirit', all the things I love about Christmas.

I have to go, sign off, because Santa still has to wrap presents.   Which means if I'm lucky I'll get to bed by 5AM which will probably be early, because I remember it was 6AM last year.  But, come tomorrow AM when T-sport opens his presents, it will all be worth it!

Merry Christmas everyone -  I hope Santa was good to you this year.